As I sit here and write this, there is a knot in my stomach. My eyes blink away tears as I tell myself over and over “You’re not good enough.” I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it won’t go away. Today was just one of those days when you feel like everything you do just isn’t enough. Let me give you some back story.
So, over the weekend I got a letter in the mail that said I was accepted into an application process for National Honor Society. I was over the moon excited and felt that I could do anything. Yay! I was just so happy and was so proud of myself. The letter also said that I would pick up my application in the front office.
After a weekend of thinking about what I would write down, I was confident that I would fill out the application, and I would get in and everything would be sunshine and rainbows, because that is the kind of person I am- always positive. I walked into the office with a smile plastered on my face and a “Hello-can-I-have-an-application-for-National-Honor-Society-please?Thank-you-so-much!” I was self-assured, upbeat, and convinced that I would achieve greatness with my answers. I practically ran to the car where my parents waited to pick me up. I wouldn’t look at it until then, I decided.
With the whisk of the paper, I glanced at its contents. Smile, smile, smile, flip page…
Cue lump and blinky eyes that try to contain the tears.
I handed the worksheet over to my mom. “There is no way that I am good enough to get into this.” I limply dropped the paper and I sobbed internally as she glanced it over. She knew just as well as I did that I had never led a leadership position- I had always been too shy, too much of a wallflower. There was no way that I could get in. I hadn’t done enough community service, enough extracurricular, enough perfection. I told myself. “Can’t I ever do anything right?”
Then to top it off, my application for a community service project was rejected. Rejection, rejection, rejection.
Cue sobbing and eyes that can no longer hold back tears.
Actually, up to today I felt good about myself. I had perfect grades last semester, and I am starting off well this semester, I have been reading my Bible more, and I have been feeling so much closer to God. Then, BAM! It hits me. “You’re not good enough. Look at all of the other girls that got into NHS… look at all of the other girls that will get into NHS…. look at everyone expecting you to get into NHS, but you won’t, because you are not good enough. You’re not going to get into any colleges because you are too mediocre.”
Whoa. Mediocrity? Me? I had never thought of myself like that. I had always expected myself to do great things, and everyone expects me to as well. And now? “I’m not special” runs through my head, even though I know that God thinks otherwise. (If you read my last post, you are probably thinking, “Hey, what happened to your ‘don’t be negative because negative thoughts drown you’. Well she’s there, but is now buried in guilt, rejection, and disappointment. And besides, do as I say, not as I do!)
Sorry to bring you down with my oddly depressing post. I know that God has a plan for us all (Jeremiah 29:11) but honestly, it doesn’t feel right. I feel hollow and worthless. I know that I’ll get over it eventually, sure. This is one little club that I got rejected from. What if I’m rejected from colleges, or job offers? That is way more serious. If I am not good enough for a high school club, how can I be good enough for the rest of my life?
I know I shouldn’t worry, and I know that God loves me no matter what. I just want to be in this club. But, wait. Do I want to be in NHS because I want to, or because I want other people to know that I got in, that I did what was expected of me? At this point, I really don’t know. Everything is jumbled. When my head clears, maybe I could say, but at this point I have no idea.
“27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can boast in the presence of God.” 1 Corinthians 1:27-29
To me, this verse means that no one is perfect in God’s eyes. He sees our faults, weaknesses, and fears, but he overlooks them. He loves us no matter what. I mean, he sent his own son to die for us. That is eternal love that lasts though every situation, good and bad.
Rejection is tough. But I have to remember that God brings us into storms to test us, to see who will continue to look to Him as their lighthouse, and pulls them out stronger than before. “This too shall pass.”
On the bright side, I have been asking God to help me find a topic to write about for this blog, so maybe this rejection has a silver lining after all! 🙂
What is your rejection story, if you have one? How did you overcome it? What did God lead you to?
God’s Blessings for the new week! I will be praying for you!